So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
