She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Randomize
