I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
it's like heaven, but drunker
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
