everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
