Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
