I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
