when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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