Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I will be naked everywhere
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
