I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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