I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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