i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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