ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I am naked and annoyed.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
