the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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