cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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