dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Randomize