I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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