i think i have two assholes
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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