Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
