You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
