I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
