Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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