I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
