seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
