Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
