My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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