i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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