This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
