I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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