i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
