There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
