just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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