I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
