Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
