i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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