This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
