Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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