why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize