This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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