He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
