Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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