How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
