Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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