Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
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