i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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