Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
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