Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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