My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
