grandma shit on top of the toilet
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
