I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
