youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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