i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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