When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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