I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
