I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
