The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
