I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Randomize
