Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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