shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
